Sun and Long sleeves

Well, who knew Scotland can have the sunshine. I always thought the sun was a bit of a legend here.
I love the sun, I love the warmth, the bright colours from the flowers, just seeing things in a brighter way. The sun comes out and a lot of people seem to smile more and almost have a skip in their step. For me, as much as I love the sun and think it is an amazing gift, especially in Scotland, I also see this gift as a curse.
Cold, wet, dark days and I can get away with wearing long sleeves, jumpers and long leg trousers. In the sun, that is so much harder. To me the two choices are:
Choice one, wear pretty shirts that have short sleeves or none at all and wear shorts. Go out in public, have people seeing your cuts, bandages, and scars. To then have them silently judge you but at the same time, by their glares, guess it is harsh judgement. To then go home and face the judge with 1000 harsh questions about the damages old and new to my body. To try and “just ignore everyone” as my mum would say, who is also the judge at home, and then for me to feel like I shouldn’t wear those sort of clothes.
Choice two, suffer the heat and wear long sleeves and long leg trousers or leggings, but making sure my ankles, thighs, arms, wrists, all the way up to the neckline is covered. To stay at home in the shade, to stay cool and people judge that is why I am mentally ill, or go out in public to feel like I am melting and the sweat clinging to me and my clothes. To the point, I feel sick with the heat, but at least my faults are covered from prying, judgy eyes. I feel slightly safer, even if I feel slightly sicker.
How do we choose which one to pick? Choice one and two both lead to people judging you both from within the home life and public life. People encourage you to leave your room, in my household, I get told off for what I wear and should wear short sleeves. I wear short sleeves and I get told off for my self-harm problem. I don’t leave the house or my room, I get told that is why I am so depressed when I do go out I get told that I am never home and it is affecting things at home like the housework not getting completed. Due to the fear of judgment, I am even scared to wear short sleeves in front of people I truly trust, because even though I know they would never judge me or mean to stare. I am aware they can still stare (even just out of concern) but the voice in my head tells me they are thinking horrible things or other people around us are talking about it.
I guess the now I feel trapped with the sun being out. I love the sun and the heat (why I love Florida so much) but at this point in time, I hate it. When it is colder and raining, at least it gives me an excuse to stay in and wear warm clothes.


2 thoughts on “Sun and Long sleeves

  1. I like when you wear short sleeves because it reminds me how far you have come and how God has kept you through it all and I’m glad you’re still here 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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