It Never Really Leaves You!

Who has had an embarrassing moment that years later it still gets brought up? Who has done something wrong that your mistake haunts you? Who has been so scared that it still wakes you up in the middle of the night? Who has had a mental health problem that, even to be seen as “Recovered”, still struggles with the memories of what happened? The good and the bad times, no matter how much we try to forget it, these things never leave us.
I tick all the boxes listed above. I’ve had very embarrassing moments that my family keeps bring up. I have made mistakes in my life that I struggle with due to guilt. I have been so scared to the point of being unable to sleep months, even years later. My mental health, well it has left physical and mental scars that won’t ever go away. The one I want to talk about is the one that I have been given the label of “Recovered”, but still haunts me, which is my eating disorder.
Years ago, as many of you know, I struggled with my eating to the point of becoming a size 8 in a lot of places and that was because of my self-starvation, laxative abuse, and purging. I was so unwell physically that I collapsed once, I struggled to eat, I was scared to go out the house, I couldn’t concentrate, I was always cold, and a part of me wanted it all to end. Well it took a long time but I was told that they think I am better despite the occasional binge (which I was told is normal), and only purge once (sometimes twice a month) to which I was told, for someone like me who has had an eating disorder is normal (whatever normal means), and as long as it doesn’t happen all the time, then it is okay. However, my question is, is it okay? Still purging and occasional binge, how is that okay? It can’t be good for me, or is it actually normal for people who have gone through this?
In the last month alone I have had, 3 major binges, I abused laxatives once, I started my new medication which a side effect is an increase in weight (which I can’t afford to have happened), so as well as my medication making me nauseous and making me sick. I went back to old ways and every time I ate, I would purge. So I was being sick for 2 completely different reasons and only lost 4lbs in a week. How can they say this is okay? Why were my concerns not taken seriously when I started my recovery? The last two days have felt like hell, as not purging for the Race For Life was tough, and to have eaten stupidly today after the event – well I was taken to KFC with the rest of the family and told what I was eating. To then come home for John to make a fry up. Needless to stay, I am feeling tired, emotional, stress, and like purging (which I have told myself I’m not doing). I am to speak to the doctor tomorrow about my new meds and I do question about bring this up with him, as I feel like – like my previous concerns – the matter will be brushed aside.
After 5 years being at one of my worse due to this disorder, to still be haunted by it after being called “recovered” by one person. Leaves you wondering whether things ever really leave you or if things stay a part of you like a scar.


3 thoughts on “It Never Really Leaves You!

  1. I understand how u feel. I have an eating disorder myself and struggle with addiction, self harm and anxiety. I can honestly say im nothing but impressed by the progress u have made. I purge every day still, im happy if i keep one meal down a week. The fact that u r only purging sporatically is amazing as it is so very hard to change the pattern. I read what u wrote and it actually makes me feel hopeful that i can also progress, even if one tiny step at a time, so i thank u for that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, and I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling, hopefully things will start looking up for you someday. I am glad that my writings has helped someone in any small or big way.
      Keep strong xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve found that, personally speaking, the worst culprit for casting up past failures and embarrassments is myself. I recognise a lot of what you’ve written here as part of my own journey. If there’s any consolation in it, you’re one of many. And it is possible to come back from the precipice. Be patient. But most of all, be stubborn in your survival, to the point of bloody mindedness.


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