Shhhh… Do you hear it? Hear it whispering? That dark, sharp voice, or is it just me? Every day is a daily battle, against that voice in my head that tries to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. Some days, it is only a whisper, other days like a person speaking and finally, it can be a loud voice, shouting and screaming at you.
I can look around and see where the voice is coming from, but no one needs to be there for me to hear it. I could be in my room by myself, or in a room full of people, and the voice is still there. What do these voices say? Well, they say many things. Things like I am worthless, I am a burden, I should give up, I should harm myself, and lots more. This voice in my head is my demon! A demon, I can’t run from. A demon, that is always there laughing at me. Even in my “good” days, where things look up, It is there whispering my previous failures. On my “okay” days, It just talks reminding me of what I am. On my “bad” days, let’s just say It is deafening, reminders of both my failures and what I am, but this time It’s language is rougher and harsher. Then It tells me to just cut or to just take pills. Then reminds me of that as a problem and calls me a “Monster”. My head drops because I believe It. I see every scar and cut or burns, I remember every time I have taken an overdose, everything becomes one big reminder that It is right. Maybe, I am a monster. I mean, as my family would say, what “normal” person would do this to themselves. The only answer is maybe I am a freak and my demon is right about everything. Maybe I don’t deserve this life. Maybe I don’t deserve my friends or the people I love. Maybe I don’t deserve good things. I say “maybe”, but I know I “don’t” and “I am a freak and my demon is right about everything”.
This drawing I did as a part of a 10 minutes’ maximum art. Where I have up to 10 minutes to draw something. I did this in about 7. It is a physical drawing of what my demon or in this case my demons feel like. The red eyes in the dark matching the cuts and scars on my arms. The world is just black and it starts to drag you into its eternal night. The drawing is my brokenness, and how my demon can sound like many demons putting me down.