So recently all I have been hearing is that I should have some “get up and go”, I should take more pride in my appearance, I should use a hairdryer to dry my hair and brush it every day rather than pin it back all the time, I should wear makeup to cover my spots, I should lose weight. Then came the big comment “What happened to you, you used to have such pride in your appearance.” Feeling an anger inside I wanted to scream that “SHE IS GONE AND I CAN’T FIND HER!” What do I mean by that? I mean, that part of me that used to wash, dry, brush and straighten my hair, wear makeup all the time and was BULIMIC, is gone. The girl from years ago is gone. I don’t even have the energy to pick up a hairbrush.
Even more recently, I feel like a part of me is now dead. Since the overdose in October last year, I feel as though a part of me die that night, which is why I can’t find the part of me that is missing. I am just a soulless shell that gets up, goes to work, comes home, goes to bed and eventually goes to sleep. I don’t really have any emotions left. My mind is just so blank that even writing has been a struggle for me, between no motivation to write and my mind is so blank it is a challenge to write.
The part of me that used to have so much life, and have fun, is gone and I don’t know if that part of me exists anymore. I used to love my small pantomime group (which I am forcing myself to be a part of this year again), but now I wish I never signed up for it, in my work place I started crying for doing something wrong (accidentally) and getting told off for it by a manager, I couldn’t cope with the idea of working with the ambulance service at the weekend that I started crying about that and in the end, I didn’t go. The part of me that enjoyed this stuff, has slowly disappeared and I didn’t even notice it myself until recently.
Maybe, a small part of me did die during the October overdose, maybe I am getting worse, maybe it is just my antipsychotics playing with my head. Lots of maybes, but one thing I do know is that the girl I once was is gone, she is lost in the darkness and I can’t find her anymore.


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