Warning, this is a long post.
So, I guess I should give an update on what has been happening since I last wrote back in September. I’ve lost friends, gained friends, got older, had some work changes, went back to amateur acting, been to a few Depressed Cake Shops, Walk a Mile, and Careless Screening. Oh, I almost forgot I got a new psychologist as well. So, I want to spend time with this post explaining in a little more detail what has happened, what is going on the now for me, and plans for the end of this year.
Well, I am now another year older. Even though I know I only aged by one year to make this my twenty-third birthday, a part of me feels like I aged by forty years or something. This has been one of my worse years for joint problems and other personal problems, then I have my mental health stuff on top of that. So, what can I say except, “you’re only as old as you feel.”
I’m not the biggest receiver when it comes to gifts, I prefer to give, and this is something my friends know so they know not to get me anything, even a card, instead, I normally request hanging out in a café or cinema or somewhere to spend time with them. However, this began a problem with one friend (who had been doing small things recently that had been annoying me but I bit my tongue with). He told me he had a card and he was going to come into my work and give it to me. Now at work, we are not meant to accept stuff from strangers without permission, and even then, they will try and get you to receive stuff when on your break or when you are done. I wasn’t going to ask permission as I didn’t want them to know it was my birthday as I didn’t want a fuss. Although my friend knew I didn’t want anything at all, he made me have no choice (which as a control freak person was a bad to take away my control and ignore something that matters to me). I arrived at work and just pulled into a parking space when 2 seconds later I heard a knock on my window. I looked around and it was my friend with the card and to my annoyance a gift. So, I graciously accepted it, said thanks and remained quiet. I went to work but I was still annoyed with him for doing that to me, for someone who says they respect my views, and cares what I think and feel, he did a good job at showing the opposite to that. On the other hand, Cara my best friend from university met me for Coffee for a late birthday which was brilliant and what the doctor called for.
For a while, I had noticed this said “friend” (who I am going to call Sam to make it easier and confidential reasons) had been coming into my work once sometimes twice a week on the days and times I work for a “chat” and “to check on me”. A couple of times I would see him come in and I would pretend I needed to go through to the back for stuff, he would be gone but 2 minutes later he would appear behind me (which you don’t do to someone you know suffers from anxiety) or tap my shoulder when he knows I don’t like being touched without my permission. Now I don’t know about you guys, but work is a place where you work (duh) not to stand about chatting about personal problems in a middle of a shop where people could overhear. One time, Sam took a guy he was looking after into the shop and started trying to talk to me about what has been happening. I wasn’t talking with this other guy so I said I was busy and had to work, but he stood there a stared to which I turned around and said I was working, I had lots to do. So, he finally left. I was in a bad way after my last post and when he came in, he had items in his hands for once, he came over to me to which before he said anything asked, “Are you following me?” After weeks of him appearing at Tesco during my shifts (when I had never seen him in Tesco before), and him moving to the back of the church to sit (apparently not to check up on me but because I’m his friend and he wants to sit there – sorry but he has more friends than me that is no excuse to follow me to where I sit, to sit next to me), taking his friend in to check on me, sending me 100s of messages and calls, to the point I ignored them with my phone on silent (as my phone keeps vibrating or ringing till I look at a message) and phoning me when he is with his friends to check on me and talk about my mental health and the situations I was going through. To my question, he just said I’ll leave you, started walking away, looked back once, and left. I wasn’t in the mood and I had enough of it. There were other things that were making me lose my trust in him as a friend to talk to but I don’t want to talk about that on here.
The next day I took unwell mentally, in the morning I tried all my plans on the crisis plan my ex-psychologist gave me before she left, a couple hours later I had no idea what was going on or what I was doing but I took another overdose. That is now 4 in a space of a year and a half, which caused a fall out between my mum and I and how I can no longer be trusted especially with my sisters and she had messaged one of my very trusted friends. I don’t know what was said but that is between them. I haven’t got much to say about that day as most of the pills I OD on were my anti-psychotics which were given to me to help me sleep. I was kept in overnight and the next day I saw the CPN, who was determined that the crisis plan works, I was just not trying hard enough, that the overdose wasn’t really an attempt, that I didn’t know what I was doing. Wait a minute, where have I heard stuff like that before, oh yes, my other 4 hospital visits that month for self-harm (Facepalms). I left shortly after that. I couldn’t deal with hearing that I need to be patient for a new psychologist, that I need to do more hobbies, and not to harm myself. I heard it 5 times in September, this year, alone and every other time I have been in the hospital for self-harm/suicide attempts. I messaged Sam telling him what happened to see if I could start trusting him again and tried to convince myself that maybe I have been tough on him because of the build-up to it. How wrong I was.
A few days later I was on Facebook when I saw a status from him (I would have copied and pasted it to show you but he has now deleted it) talking about how it is unfair that if someone was seeing a psychologist that they are put back at the beginning of the system because the psychologist left – I’m not sure if I have mentioned it in an earlier post but at the end of August my psychologist left meaning I was back on the waiting list along with all her other clients and the new people joining the list and the people already on the list waiting for their first session. After that, he wrote about how it was wrong that people can be discharged the day after a suicide attempt without proper help. I was furious. When Sam wanted to write about the mental health system and his wife’s situation he asked my permission if I thought it would be okay. My own situation he didn’t ask, if I wanted my situations broadcast to the world, I can do it myself, in my control. That was it, I could not trust him anymore and started not replying to his messages.
A week later between losing Sam, the overdose, the self-harm, arguments in the house, my health playing up I went along to the Depressed Cake Shop/Walk a Mile event in Galashiels at the end of September. I had one friend who knew about the overdose who in all fairness said she didn’t know whether to expect me or not but said what the plan for the event was and gave me the choice to do what I want if I didn’t overdo it. Now, I don’t know if I looked awful or if everyone was getting an off vibe about me, but I had 4 other people saying they didn’t expect me. So, I just laughed it off, took part in the exploration table (link at the bottom leading to a post about the last Galashiels Depressed Cake shop and it has an explanation about the exploration table), the walk and helped to sell cakes. It was a great day and I only had to leave once which I used as a lunch break.
Some fun news to end September, I went back to an amateur drama group I used to be a part of years ago before I went to Dingwall. This year we are performing Cinderella in a small village near where I live. I requested since it is my first show in a while, to just be a villager so that is what I am plus a messenger so I have a few lines. I have gotten in touch with friends I haven’t seen in years and also met a few new friends. The show is the first week of December so something to look forward to.
So, still furious and upset with Sam. I hadn’t been to church except for the few times I knew he wouldn’t be there including an evening service. If I saw him I think I would have started shouting at him if he even tried to talk to me. I knew he was on holiday at the beginning of October as he told me about it and he messaged me to say he was there. I was still not replying. It was the first time since the overdose I wasn’t anxious at work about him approaching me. Well, while he was away he still sent a few messages one of them saying that he wasn’t following me, the day of my birthday he was driving home, saw me pull into work so he came over to give the card and gift then, the day I asked if he was following me he said he was getting shopping and to see me and check on me (which isn’t an excuse to come and just talk, like I said earlier work isn’t a social convention, I don’t talk to my other friends when working or if they are working). Then he tried to blame it on my mental health saying that he knows things loom bigger than what they really are in my head. I’m sorry, but he doesn’t know what goes on in my head and I see things as they are perfectly.
I went to church one morning, never saw Sam’s car so thought he wouldn’t be there. It was busy in church so I never got my back seat which was, for me, uncomfortable. I’m a bit like Sheldon Cooper with the “That’s my spot” whenever someone sits on his part of the sofa. The only difference was I kept my mouth shut, sat somewhere else and told myself I should arrive earlier to make sure I get my seat. At the end of the service, I went to get up for coffee, when Sam appeared behind me again and started saying he was sorry for something. At the word “sorry” something inside of me clicked and I wasn’t accepting it. I told him to stop staring at me and that he was wrong for the status he wrote (which he tried to say was about his wife, but the exact details he gave doesn’t match his wife’s situation at all) and that he can’t force me to talk when I don’t want to like he was doing at that point, and (I looked at my phone and lied) that my mum wanted me home to help her with something. I left the church without talking to anyone else because I didn’t want him staring at me or approaching me again with more apologies. The part of me that clicked, it was like all the light parts of me had darkened. I would/will not accept his apology, I am tired of giving chance, after chance to people. Now it is like, betray my trust and that’s it, no more chances not even a second.
So, it has been just over a month since rehearsals started and I have played other parts but my own. I have been the prince, the Baroness/stepmother (3x), the duke and then another week I wasn’t needed due to the scenes we were going through. It is so much fun to play the other parts, I really like the Baroness role but my problem would be remembering the lines. I don’t mind small roles but I don’t think I could be the main character.
At the end of October, we had another 2 days of Depressed Cake Shops, which I think went better than I thought considering it was in my hometown. As well as the cake shop, we had the screening of a film called Careless, which is about mental health awareness with the story of Evie Douglas who completed suicide a few years ago. Myself and a few other amazing people helped with the film by having an interview about our bullying situation especially cyberbullying, and how it affected us. The film and cake shop went really well, and the Q&A (which I took a part of with the director, Freda Douglas (my friend and Evie’s mum) and Josh Quigley (the tartan Explorer – again I did a post and shared his links with you guys to see) after the film brought up a few interesting points and comments on a topic that is so big, that is being pushed under the rug. The only thing was I never gave my 100% as I was too busy at points getting anxious incase Sam came in and started anything there.
Alright, so this month I got a new psychologist, Massimo Tarsia, I can’t say much the now as he uses a different method to what I am used to so I want to spend some more time getting to understand his style more before saying anything, as I have only seen him for 2 sessions.
Again, we had another small Depressed Cake Shop in Peebles this time. It was at the Christmas market, only 3 hours long and I think considering it was at lunchtime, smaller event, only a few hours long, and other stuff happening, we did really well (I think we raised £240+ at this event). It was great to see everyone before work and have lunch with them and have a catch-up.
I haven’t spoken to Sam since that day in church and he hasn’t messaged me since that day either (not complaining) but every time I put something on my Facebook page, within a couple of minutes he was liking it. It is honestly doing my head in. I haven’t been to church since that day for 2 reasons. The biggest one the now is that the drama rehearsals are on Sundays as well as Wednesdays. The other is I don’t want Sam staring at me at all, or him trying to approach me, or not being able to sit in the back in peace (He used to sit at the very front now he is saying he prefers the back). I am honestly nervous about going back in December when the show is over. I don’t mind the evening services as I know he doesn’t go to them but they are only once a month, 9/12 months a year. I shouldn’t have to move church because of one person. GPC is my home church and even though I don’t have many friends, no other church in the local areas don’t feel right (I don’t know what it is, just a feeling) and I can’t go too far for petrol cost reasons. What do you guys think? I really don’t know what to do anymore.
So, it is the end of November and at drama I have played the Baroness again, the duke again, one of the Dames (which was one of the weirdest experiences yet especially trying to chat up the duke), and Archie (the Duke’s not so smart nephew), I have been off a few times and I have played my part a couple of times (but not enough to be confident). Otherwise, it has been great, a lot of laughs, jokes and good company. The sets look great and it is going to be great on the show nights (thankfully I know my lines and I am just following everyone else that is a villager to know when I am on stage or not).
So, I think that is all I’ve got to say for now. I will do a post after the shows to say how they went but for now, thank you for the people that have read to the end it means a lot, and if I go back to GPC I will say how things go.